Schlemiel - an unlucky bungler : CHUMP

It's a feeling that happens, cyclically, like the moon's appearance or the death and rebirth of an oak tree. Sometimes I will be physically alone, as I am now. Sometimes I will be surrounded by loved ones.

I suppose hormones could be to blame - that too, is cyclical. Also to blame are the current challenges I face as a poor college student learning how to care for herself without a guardian. I still struggle with boiling water and become paralyzed at the sight of a beetle crawling across the floor, silently begging for someone to come along and dispose of it for me.

I think, perhaps, what truly makes me lonely is the realization that I must give up something I truly love. This thing, which I once considered a precious gift from God, absolutely haunts me. For months, I've tried to separate myself, but I keep coming back to it. It brings me much joy, more joy than I ever believed was possible to experience. Mostly, it brings me sadness, which, having lived a life littered with tragedy and pain, is all too familiar.

I must either resign myself to live with the pain or start walking away. The latter option has proven to be difficult in the past; rather than walk away, I commonly take a few steps backwards.

I wish there were an easy cure to this aloneness I feel, like a happy pill that promises no more mood swings or a fairy godmother that promises a gown and a date by midnight. I suppose the best I can do is keep my chin up and start walking away.
-End.

(Loud and Obnoxious)
(Sunday, June 29, 2008)
I just got new neighbors today. I haven't heard much from them until just now. It's the middle of the night, almost two AM, and my neighbors are loud, obnoxious, and drunk.
I never know how to handle these situations. Do I disturb my landlord in the middle of the night, only to be told to deal with it? Call the police, and be told there's nothing they can do? I feel like the loser in any situation. If I go next door to confront them with "Can you please be quiet? I have church in the morning," I'm sure to have a lukewarm reception.
How I wish I lived in the country, away from the city apartments and duplexes and closer to privacy and solidarity. What a woe that I must move to a bigger city in a month's time! Someday, when my life is more settled, it will be settled in the woods.
-End.

(Laundry on a Line)
(Tuesday, May 27, 2008)
Today I achieved what can only be described as a miracle: I aimed a paper wad, basketball style, at the trash can and it actually landed. I believe this is only the second time this has happened in my life.

I often wonder how odds play in our lives. Are incidents in our lives complete coincidences, random moments strung together like laundry on a line? Or do the things that happen to us actually happen for a reason? God's work, or chance?
-End.